For so long I let my life be governed by outside influences and didn't really live a life aligned with my true self. I knew that there was something "off" about needing approval from others but I didn't know how to break free.I have come to realize that I had a misunderstanding of what it means to be fully present with myself and live my life from this place. What I was doing was looking at myself as an outside observer rather than fully being in my body and being me.
I went through a period of releasing those things that I have used as coping mechanisms and did so by "outing" these behaviors out loud in the moment. An example is that I used to be a person who lied, embellished the truth or acted like an authority as a way to ease my feelings of inadequacy. As I matured, this behavior became less and less tolerable to me because it no longer fit who I was, but I didn't know how to break the habit.
One day I was riding in the car with a couple of friends and we saw commercial sprinklers in the wilderness in the middle of nowhere. When one of my friends wondered out loud what they were for, I began to tell her a very believable explanation, even though I really had no idea what they were for. After a few minutes, I said out loud, "I just made that whole thing up. I actually don't know any more than you do and was making an educated guess so that you would think I was smart." After looking at me incredulously, she burst into laughter which had me start laughing as well. It was such a relief to tell the truth and still be loved that I decided to continue this technique every time I found myself making something up or lying. It took a while, but eventually I stopped even going to that place.
Someone recently posted on A Woman's True Voice that she was finding herself speaking her truth and then looking to see if others approved of her. This has been a big one for me and, although it's getting better, I still find myself looking outside myself for acceptance. What would happen if, in those moments, I said, "I feel myself wanting your approval right now" and let myself really feel what I was doing? I have a feeling that I will be laughing about this one soon!
